Wednesday, July 06, 2005

This is a Beginning

I am neither an exhibitionist nor a voyeur by nature. I've never understood the need some people have developed to publish their train of thought, nor the compulsion others have to vicariously ride those trains. And yet, here I am.

I think, for me, it's like a headstone. Ever since I was young, I've wanted a big, sturdy marker left after I die. Something made of stone, ideally someplace where the erosion and redevelopment possibilities are minimal. It's about leaving a mark. The irony is that my desire to make my mark is driven by my atheism. Immortality, I proudly proclaimed years ago, exists only in the form of the influence you have on the people around you, and on the eternally-diminishing ripples that extend from that influence. It's not about being remembered, it's about having existed. It's proof. It's like scratching your name into the rafters, where none will look. A speck among specks that carries your signature.

So now I've got this virtual headstone. It's not made of stone (in fact, its chances of outliving me are virtually nil, in my estimation), but it might cause some ripples. And I can apparently scratch away, chiseling to my heart's content.

It's a rare opportunity, to dance upon one's own tombstone.


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