Grandsons Against Drunk Grandmothers
You know who shouldn't be drinking? Elderly women without the leg strength to stand on their own when they're sober, that's who.
A combination of weak body and weak will has put my grandmother in a state of perpetual bed rest. She can walk (and does so almost exactly three times a day), but spends most of her day reclined on a couch or in her bed, watching television or reading while seated. Her lack of physical activity has weakened her further (on both counts), so she walks less and less. Her muscle mass (such as it was) is now gone. She's already a tiny woman. She probably weight no more than 80 pounds.
80-pound women with weak wills should not drink dry manhattans. Seriously.
She's one of those "nice people" from the Midwest who constantly thinks bad things about other people but refuses to believe it. Instead of saying things like, "You really should have had children, and it's a waste that you didn't," she says "Wouldn't it have been nice if you'd had children?" Other favorites are "Wouldn't it have been nice if you had played football/hockey/sports?" and "Wouldn't it have been nice if you had become a lawyer/accountant?" In her world, all men should be accountants and all women mothers, with the exception of lawyers (of both genders).
Since Sept. 11th, her Pollyanna attitude turned quite grimly ignorant (or at least became publically so) with her new refrain in response to any current event: "And to think that those arabs are trying to kill us!" Other variations are "I can't believe how muslims want to kill Americans" and "I don't think you should trust/believe/vote for that man, he looks like a terrorist." She simply can not understand (a) that Muslims can also be Americans (b) that Muslims can also be friendly to Americans, and (c) that Musliums can also consider terrorism abominable.
Other mental deficiencies include her genuine fear of and revulsion toward anything technological (If it was developed later than 1975, she views it with suspicion our outright rejection), her refusal to admit to her own incorrect memories (she insists others are either remembering events incorrectly), and her limited short-term memory, which leads to strangely cyclical conversations that return to the same questions repeatedly.
The trick with alcohol, in such a person, is that it loosens the lips. Her memory goes from poor to non-existent. Her demeanor goes from sweetly innocent to confusedly ignorant. Discussion is impossible because she can't follow the thread of an arguement. Any discussion of politics degenerated into a rant about either the Bush administration or the terrorists. Any discussion of technology leads to frustrated declarations that the world got too complicated. Any other topic causes her to bring up her homesteader ancestors, with whom she is singularly obsessed.
It has to stop.
Bartenders of the world! Waiters, hosts, and husbands: stop pouring liquor down these old ladies' throats! They can't handle it, and if they don't piss off half the people present with racism, sexism, religious ignorance, prudishness, or a belittling of everyone's intelligence, they'll loose their balance and break a hip. Their bones are as fragile as their ignorance is robust! For their safety, and our conversational interest, keep them sober, when at least it's possible to change the subject, if not their minds.
The Grandson has spoken.
A combination of weak body and weak will has put my grandmother in a state of perpetual bed rest. She can walk (and does so almost exactly three times a day), but spends most of her day reclined on a couch or in her bed, watching television or reading while seated. Her lack of physical activity has weakened her further (on both counts), so she walks less and less. Her muscle mass (such as it was) is now gone. She's already a tiny woman. She probably weight no more than 80 pounds.
80-pound women with weak wills should not drink dry manhattans. Seriously.
She's one of those "nice people" from the Midwest who constantly thinks bad things about other people but refuses to believe it. Instead of saying things like, "You really should have had children, and it's a waste that you didn't," she says "Wouldn't it have been nice if you'd had children?" Other favorites are "Wouldn't it have been nice if you had played football/hockey/sports?" and "Wouldn't it have been nice if you had become a lawyer/accountant?" In her world, all men should be accountants and all women mothers, with the exception of lawyers (of both genders).
Since Sept. 11th, her Pollyanna attitude turned quite grimly ignorant (or at least became publically so) with her new refrain in response to any current event: "And to think that those arabs are trying to kill us!" Other variations are "I can't believe how muslims want to kill Americans" and "I don't think you should trust/believe/vote for that man, he looks like a terrorist." She simply can not understand (a) that Muslims can also be Americans (b) that Muslims can also be friendly to Americans, and (c) that Musliums can also consider terrorism abominable.
Other mental deficiencies include her genuine fear of and revulsion toward anything technological (If it was developed later than 1975, she views it with suspicion our outright rejection), her refusal to admit to her own incorrect memories (she insists others are either remembering events incorrectly), and her limited short-term memory, which leads to strangely cyclical conversations that return to the same questions repeatedly.
The trick with alcohol, in such a person, is that it loosens the lips. Her memory goes from poor to non-existent. Her demeanor goes from sweetly innocent to confusedly ignorant. Discussion is impossible because she can't follow the thread of an arguement. Any discussion of politics degenerated into a rant about either the Bush administration or the terrorists. Any discussion of technology leads to frustrated declarations that the world got too complicated. Any other topic causes her to bring up her homesteader ancestors, with whom she is singularly obsessed.
It has to stop.
Bartenders of the world! Waiters, hosts, and husbands: stop pouring liquor down these old ladies' throats! They can't handle it, and if they don't piss off half the people present with racism, sexism, religious ignorance, prudishness, or a belittling of everyone's intelligence, they'll loose their balance and break a hip. Their bones are as fragile as their ignorance is robust! For their safety, and our conversational interest, keep them sober, when at least it's possible to change the subject, if not their minds.
The Grandson has spoken.
posted by Belarius at 7:13 PM
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